Today was a bit of a hard day. I didn’t get much sleep last night, cause I am in so much pain. I think the pain is just as worst if not more so then it was before surgery. I am schedule for a MRI this coming Tuesday March 18th to see if there is anything wrong and what might be causing my pain.

I ask that you keep me in your prayers and for wisdom for the doctor’s in knowing how to treat me! I ask that you also pray that the pain will deplete and I can continue on in my recovery.

I am here and alive! I just have been a bit swamped getting back to the normal’s of life.
 
I will catch you up to what’s been taking place over the past month since I have blogged.
 
In the middle of February I started back to work part-time. I work for 3 weeks part-time each day and mostly working with 2/3 year olds. That was craziness and so much out of my realm, but I was willing to give it a whirl and I think it went very well.  Now I just completed my first week working full-time and that is just as stretching as working with the 2/3 yr. olds.  My day can begin in one classroom and by the end of the day I have been in at least 4 classrooms. I am humbled in being a floater in the center and doing things so much out of my cozy ideal area. Everyday holds so much that just happens and I need to willing to roll with whatever happens. Work is great and I am grateful to be used even if it means at times getting frustrated!
 
Well, about 3 weeks ago the washer quit working and then yesterday the dryer decided to stop working as well. Amy my roommate and owner of the place I live in had to replace the washer and my sweet dad came this afternoon to look at the dryer. He is just amazing with fixing things. I have come to really appreciate my parents - they are the most amazing people I know. They are always willing to help me and my sister no matter what it is! I am so grateful to have them in my life!
 
Three weeks ago I notice some feeling in two of my toes on my right foot. How amazing Christ is in giving me this time of noticing the feeling. I have a lot of false feeling/sensation (all normal to experience from what I hear),but I know that the feeling of these two toes is real. I am so excited and can’t wait to see what God does with the rest of leg and foot.
 
I have been lately having really bad headaches and pain. This past week it lasted for a full week and that was really hard to deal with. it was like it was before surgery - so bad and painful. I know I was extremely grouchy and hard to deal with because they couldn’t imagine how much pain I was truly in! I did see my primary doctor this past week and she is trying to get a hold my surgeon to figure out what to do to get me somewhat being in a painless time. So far right now she has me taking muscle relaxers at bed time along with pain meds to help me have less pain. I have to admit that until I started taking these meds (which makes me really sleepy) I didn’t realize how much I really wasn’t sleeping well at night. I have been taking these meds for a few days now and my mood has been such a complete turn around. I am amazed that I can make it through my day at work so much better and able to handle my pain in a better way.
 
An then there is the fun ness of our weather to deal with on Friday we started with a huge winter storm, but then that totally turn into that evening a blizzard. It was completely me and God alone in my drive home that evening which took me over an hour to get home. Lord, thank you for that time of trust and safety. It was a blast to be snowed in for a few days. Yes, I know it was over the weekend, but it remind me when I was a kid and loved the snow fall. I was very happy with the snow coming down as long as I was stuck at home. Amy and I went out walking on Saturday night checking out things once the snow stopped falling. Today, I just played all by myself in the snow since church was cancelled today. Soooo much fun - I was a kid again!
 
My time with Christ has been an amazing ride. I can’t really even put it into words how much I have learned and what kind of time I am experiencing with Him alone. I have such an unquestionable trust of Him alone and what he will do in my life! I am doing a study right now that is helping in see some newness of Christ. I talked with someone this week that had went through a lot of what I am going through currently. I knew I have amazing support of family and friends, but it’s so hard for them to know what I am truly going through. This friend I talked to knows what i am going through to some degree, cause she went through the same surgery as well. I am going to meet her this week and I am really looking forward to swapping stories and wisdom in knowing what is to come in recovering.
 
Thank you god for sending me someone who can truly relate with me at this point in the journey. Thank you Lord for all you have done and the closeness of my family- I so appreciate them! Thank you for amazing friend who have been so supportive - love ya’ll.
 
I am currently getting back to working out more and trying to loose weight - this is really harder then it was before surgery - I can get so frustrated over this area - please pray for me in this way. Please pray for complete healing of my body and that I can be pain free!
 

Today was my first day back to work. I am so happy to be back working, but I am so worn out now!

I started my day out early - at the gym at 5:30a.m. to workout and then came to get ready for work. I work in a 2/3 year olds room. It was full of energy and it went better then I had thought it would. There were many people checking on me through out my 4 hours at work. I am so blessed that they like and love me enough to care how I am doing and if I am okay. I know that God is with me and I am still amazed how I look at life these days!

You don’t go through something I have went through without coming out of it with a new sight to see a new look of life. You can’t understand until God takes you through something that is life changing. Thank you Lord for the new sight of seeing You in the life I live and those around me. I am forever changed! I thought I was when I accepted Christ and then again 4 years ago in making a renewal commitment after counseling, but once again I am forever changed in a deeper level of life in this journey.

Thank you for the cross…………

I am sitting here right now trying to do the homework of a Bible study I am in and ended up in tears instead. It’s hard, cause I can’t always focus to read or stay in a comprehended thought of mind. It’s not something I can relearn - it will just return in time. There is nothing I can do for it - but it is rather annoying! Sometimes, I end up praying in tears cause I have gotten so frustrated over it. I have heard that what I am experiencing is very common for the type of surgery I had. I try every day to spend time reading and praying that it will help to restore sooner. But like everything else it just takes time.

Today, as I was getting ready for the day from a great workout at the gym. I was looking at my newly grown hair and admiring how truly fast it is growing back. It you haven’t been lucky enough to see my new hair style yet then know it is army length. I have been very open now with allowing others to see my head. I don’t think you can see my scare much at all any more. But I was reminder again of the verse in Matthew 10:30 says -”and even the very hairs on your head are all numbered”.

Sometimes, I forget just how much God knows about me. That there isn’t a inch or even a simple hair that He doesn’t know about. I am His perfect and great design and He is the one who knows the best how to heal me!

Isn’t God just amazing? I so love being apart of His perfect design! Even though right now I have moments of struggling with things I don’t have right now in my grasp cause of my surgery. I am more and more in awe of Him everyday and I know He be there to see me through those struggles!

Lest, I forget what He in His mighty power has brought me through and has done for me in this journey and in life alone! I Love you so much Lord and pray to have a heart like Yours!!!!

Please pray that I will be restored in being able to read and comprehend soon.

So, it has been a week since I blog. It’s been a busy week. I will try to catch you up - even though I have a pounding head at the moment.

Last Thursday after I had my appointment with the surgeon I went to my work place and let them know when I could come back. I think they are more excited then I was, but I am so looking forward to being back at work. Can’t wait until this coming Monday (the 11th) - it’s my first day back.

This past Saturday afternoon I moved back to my home in Columbus and started to unpack all my suitcases. Oh’ it is so good to be home and to bee back in my own bed. I am getting a bit better in my sleeping pattern - I know it will take time to be great. My friend Jodi came over in the evening and we watched a movie and just hung out talking in catching up - so much fun!

On Sunday, I went to my home church and then came home and took a nap. In the evening I went to a fun Super bowl party - was a bit sad to see the Patriots loose their perfect season, but a great party no matter who won.

On Monday I started back working out at the gym again and even though I can only handle doing 20mins on the treadmill - it feel so great to being back working out again.

So, really this week I have been working out at the gym and trying to get in a routine again. It feels great to be back active and hanging out with people!

Last night I went to the first evening of a bible study of a Beth Moore study at my church. I really look forward to what the Lord really wants me to learn, change, and experience through this study.

I saw my primary doctor this week and said that I am on great track of recovery and that things look good. I have been so blessed to hear that I am getting a really good report since I had surgery 6 weeks ago.

I do tend to have some very painful times - it could be at night when I sleep or start when I start my day, but I know God will give me the strength to make it through those painful times.

I hope my head is in less pain soon, cause I am going to spend my afternoon with my nephew Lleyton - can’t wait to be with my sweet boy! I look forward to seeing my sister as well.

I am so blessed knowing God has had His hand all over my life and I have seen Him taking care of the finest details long before I have to deal with them. He is so good and I really can’t wait everyday to see what He is going to do in my life that day! You will totally experience that everyday you start the day and turn it over to god alone and you just get to walk through the day. he takes care of all the problems and details of the day and you can totally see how blessed you can be when the day is done.

Thank you Lord for being the Lord over my life - I just praise You and love You!

 

I thought I would blog about my appointment today (Thursday) - since I can’t seem to sleep.

Dr.Bay said I am doing great. She said that I can now be a little more active. I can start driving now and I can start working out for about 20 minutes a day walking or biking, but no weight lifting yet. I still have a few restrictions , but nothing to big - like lifting, vacuuming, ect.

As for my right leg - she said that it will take time and that working out may help it to get better, but that we really won’t know for sure until a year from now to see if it is permanent. She said that most people have worst numbness then what I have had (if it doesn’t restore back to normal). She said that it is so much better then what others deal with. She said I don’t need to do physical therapy at all for my right leg, but to just really give it time to get stronger and wait an see what it do does. I am so praising God for giving only a little numbness and not my whole right side that should have been!

As for headaches, pain, pounding, and feeling like I am thinking in a fog. She said that it may not go away until about 6 months. That as I get back in to my normal schedule and are active in building back up my energy - that it will improve over time. She also said the same thing for not being able to sleep much. That as I am active and regain strength  - she feels I will be back to having a better sleeping pattern and getting full sleep without and sleep aids.

As for going back to work. Well, she said not for another 4 weeks, but I told her my work would allow to take me back part-time. So, she compromised and is allowing me to go back to work on the 11th of February part-time only working 4 hours a day. Then that way I can work my way up to being able to handle a full day of work as I am working on getting stronger.  An then on March 3rd I can go back full time. So excited that I finally have a date of when I am going back to work.

Test results came back all okay and as for treatment - no radiation at this point. I will go in April an have another MRI done and see Dr.Bay again to make sure everything is good and that nothing else has developed. She believes I have had the tumor since I was conceived - it’s hard to explain, but my mom is so better at explaining it then me. I will have MRI’s every 6 months to a year for the rest of my life and they will watch it all very carefully.

I am planning to go back to my home for good on this coming Saturday. That will give me a week before starting work to get back settled in and getting in to a routine. Other then that she told me to quit worrying so much and realize that it’s going to take a lot of time to really heal an it has only been 5 weeks since having surgery.

Thank you Lord for such a good report and that I can see the fingerprints of God on my life!

You are such an amazing God and I just praise You for Your love, grace, peace, healing, and wonderfulness! I love you lord with my whole heart!!!!!!

Thank you for all your prayers - they are being answered!

Please keep remembering me in your prayers and that God’s healing hand will restore me. Also please join me in praising him for all he has done for me - I am so blessed!!!!! 

I have been thinking about tomorrow and what it holds! I have my first appointment with Dr. Bay (surgeon) on Thursday afternoon since the surgery.
 
So many things have flooded my mind of the past couple days. Will I be driving on Friday? Will I be moving home on Friday? What is the next step in treatment? What will finances look like? When will I go back to work?
 
I think that’s a big one for me to try to grasp. I have not much energy now and have been trying to be doing more things every day this week. I guess it worries me a bit that I may not be able to handle a demanding job that’s so physical. As much as I miss my work, kids, and most of the people I work with……..So, I pray that the Lord gives me all the strength that I need on my first day back. That He will provide for all the medical bills that are now starting to come in - on top of the normal living expenses. He is so great and wonderful!
 
I have also been thinking about how God writes our story and how much when we lay down the pen and let Him alone write our story. How amazed we can be of His Greatness! If we just let Him write it we can get so much out of this life. Sometimes, I feel like I take the pen way to much and miss what He is wanting me to experience. It wasn’t really until 2007 that I really knew what that meant. It wasn’t when I found out I had a tumor, but more at they first of the year when I was going through some rough times and couldn’t understand why.
 
I really again started looking at my heart and really allowed God to go deeper in having every area of my heart and not just giving Him pieces. I am amazed how much He has been there with me and even when there are times that I think He isn’t there I know I am never alone!
 
So, I am excited to see what tomorrow’s appointment holds and most what is next in the story that God is writing of my life!
 
 I challenge you to letting God be the only author of your story. If you choose to let Him. I can tell you for sure - you will never will regret it!
 

This past weekend I help celebrate my sister’s 30th birthday. I had fun!

On Saturday evening my Brotherin-law had a small gathering of friends to celebrate Kelly’s special day. We played apples to apples and the wii. Way to much laughing moments.

Then on Sunday at Noon. We had most of the Crenshaw family here at my parents house to meet Baby Lleyton and Celebrate Kel’s 30th. Lot’s of good food, yummy cake, good conversations, and most of all lot’s of love!

Yesterday, was a bit rough - it started out good and by afternoon I wasn’t feeling so well. I am not sure why I wasn’t feeling great and really tired. I had slept 13 hours on Sunday night. I ended up napping on the couch for an hour and then went to bed at 8:00p.m. But then when my mom came home I hung out with her for awhile in her bed - still not feeling well.

Today, I felt so much better and had some energy. I decided to help around the house and do some loads of laundry. I feel a little tired now as I am typing, but for the most part I am having a good day. It’s so crazy to me that one day I feel bad and have no engery and then the next day feeling great and have some energy to do things. 

I only hope that I continue to get more engery everyday to come so I can go live at home and go back to work! God has blessed me this far and I have no doubt He will continue help me. I put my full trust in Him alone !

Amazing…………WOW………..

As I sit here typing this I am just amazed that as of today it has been 4 weeks ago that I had surgery. Having Brain surgery is not like any other surgery. Sure you have people tell you that they understand what you are going through, cause they had some sort of surgery in their life. But honestly they have no idea what I am going through!

They don’t know that it is like being in a fog most of the time and that it’s so hard to think - even on the smallest thing. That you can only go shopping or any kind of outing for at the most of 30 minutes maxima at a time. They don’t understand that there is so much pain and that you can’t tell where the pain is - but that there are moments when you are so ready to crawl out of your skin just to get away from it an there is nothing you take that makes it less.

That reading is such a major challenge cause you can’t concentrate at all on what your reading - an there is nothing you can do for that to be better. You always have to be laying down on the couch and resting cause you have no energy for anything. Sleeping is non existence and makes you very emotional and frustrated cause you haven’t had a good nights sleep since you left the hospital an were on lots of meds to help you sleep.

When you look in the mirror you don’t know who you are any more, cause that person you were before surgery is for ever changed now. Even your apperiance you question it’s identity. You don’t have but very little hair that is finally growing in. A scare that if you let it will define you and your looks! An how hard to some point of hiding behind the hat is just not enough. When you are out and about around people you wonder what they see when they look at you for wearing a hat cause 1: your trying to keep your head warm and 2: you want to hide the scare.

They don’t know how emotional you get really over the very little things that if you were feeling normal wouldn’t be an issue on you being emotional. I can’t tell you how much I have just let the tears flow really for not much of reason. I remind myself all the time that God is with me every little thing and that He loves me so much.

An then there is my issues with my right leg on top of all this. That even though my leg functions - I still can’t feel it. I have to always be thinking where is my leg and what is it doing. when I walk I have to make sure it is hitting the floor/ground all the time and make sure it is following the direction I am going. I always have to makes sure it is going on the step very time I climb stairs. An I as I hope it will fully restore soon to being back to normal as it was before surgery - you have to prepare that this may be the new normal and it will not ever go back to what it was before. 

While you are awaiting to hear the word that you can go back to driving, work, going and working out at the gym, and what was normal living of activities. It’s also hard to think you can do all those things again. I try to grasp that I will be able to, but yet right now I feel that I don’t have much energy to even want to do things right now. You cry out to God an ask Him to restore and help you get back the energy and strength to make it better then the day before. 

These are just some of the things I deal with all the time and don’t really get to escape from. An maybe me talking about them and describing them will let others see what and how I feel. My hope is that someone who reads this blog and is going through the same sort of thing is able to see that there is hope.

Lord, I have prayed that you make my life useful for You work only! Thank you for all the help, encouragement, prayers, and wonderful people you have placed in my life during this season I am walking through right now! Oh’ how You have changed me in the past few months - I am touched and humbled by Your greatness God and there is no one like You! You have my whole heart Lord and I am Yours alone! 

Here is some lyrics that get through all this at every moment……….I hope you find them encouraging to you as well!

By: Matt Redman

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Chorus:
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We”ll live to know You here on the earth

Chorus:

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

Chorus: (2x’s)

Do you ever feeling like you get the blues? I know I get down sometimes - not sure it’s the blues though. I hear of people getting the winter blues or just really having the blues. I am not sure if it’s the same as cabin fever. I know what that is like. I got that during the hard winters when I lived in Minnesota - believe me it’s not fun at all. I remember my employer asked me once what my issue was and his wife piped up and said that she has cabin fever an hasn’t been out of the house or anywhere in 2 weeks. That was rough when you are only 19-20 years old to handle that when you had no idea in recognizing it.

Well, I don’t think I have the blues, maybe a touch of cabin fever starting. I have been out of the house since Sunday. I just don’t want to brave the snow and ice with me not being back to normal with my right leg.

However, I do feel a bit down today. Sometimes, I have great feeling days and others I seem to feel more down. I think maybe the reason I don’t feel so great today is cause I have been having really rough nights sleeping. I will start out in my old bedroom (when I lived with my parents) in a double bed and try to get to sleep, but after an hour to two hours of just not being able to get there. I just go back down to the couch and fight it out. I will at some point just pass out and after a few hours of sleep I wake up restless again. Then I just stay put on the couch and try to go back to sleep again.

You would think that since I am in recovery I would be getting lot’s of sleep, but that’s just not how it is for me. I end up praying in the middle of the night for a lot of people and things that the Lord brings to mind. I am thankful for those moments that the Lord does that and that I am willing to obey in that tired moment to pray!

Thanks, Lord for humbling my heart at that time in the night!